Saturday, 12 September 2015

Two Pink Lines

Disclaimer: This post deals with the topic of miscarriage. It is a personal account, nothing medical about it. It involves graphic speech and the female body parts. I just need to share it, I need to get it out so that I can heal.



Two pink lines. The promise of hope, excitement and joy. Maybe a little apprehension and a ‘wtf’ moment, but still the excitement. Or so I thought.

There is never going to be a day that those two lines mean the same to me again.

Miscarriage, only a word until you experience it yourself. And then it's your life, consuming you physically and emotionally each and every moment of your day. It even bursts its way into your sleep. You go about a day thinking that you are finally getting on top of things and then a kitten cries on a funny You-Tube video and the tears start falling again.

I'd never experienced 'spotting' while pregnant with my other three children. So when I first discovered a little something down there whilst going to the toilet, I didn't really know what to do or what to think. So I googled it, as we all do these days. A little brown, that's ok, its 'old blood'. No cramping?? You’re fine.

When you are actually experiencing a medical problem and attend a hospital, things seem so 'clinical'. As I found out on my first trip that day. Living remote and having no access to ultrasound technology locally, with-out pain or cramping they seemed pretty optimistic, monitored for a little, all stats fine, head to the bigger hospital in the morning for an ultra-sound check up. Dot points checked off the list. A million thoughts race through your mind. Some terrible, some over the top optimistic. ‘Maybe I'm pregnant with twins, people with twins spot a little at this stage in pregnancy’ (or so google told me)

An hour and fifteen minutes of travel the next day felt like 3 hours, a full bladder and a sinking feeling in my 'gut' of impending doom. A first scan of a growing baby that sends all those hormones into over drive, waiting 5 minutes for them to call you into your appointment feels like an hour, your boobs tingle (well mine always did, especially after my first) your stomach chases butterflies and maybe even a tear of happiness wells in your eyes. This time I sat in that waiting room, hoping that it would take a long time, because if something was wrong, it was the last little bit of hope that I could hold onto.

Jumping up onto that table, my boobs didn't tingle, my eyes were dry and my stomach was still. I glanced at the screen and saw a little being there but nothing else. No little flutter of a heart, no little tadpole movements. Just stillness and silence. Silence can be the most deafening sound. It was then that the tears came, silently, but they were there. A second Dr enters the room to double check, no words needed to be spoken my heart knew then what my body already knew.

I was left in that room for a few moments, to try and pick myself up for a walk round to emergency ready to start on one of the most emotional roller-coasters of my life, in a waiting room full of the sick, injured and those that had the sneezes and thought they should be there. An audience to watch your world crumble. Almost 5 hours worth of crumbling for nothing that day, taken into a new 'public' cubicle in emergency to again have an audience to my falling, to have a Dr ask why are you here after being sent around from another section of the hospital. No reading of notes, no compassion just straight up facts. Sent home with nothing, no follow up, no anything, told to attend Dr if I am feeling ill at all.

If there was one good thing to the day my world crumbled, was opening up my door to a very trusted friend. All I had sent to her was an emoticon of a thumbs down, and here she was with a bunch of daffodils and two plastic bags of goodies. Ice-Cream, Chocolate, Chips. Frozen home-cooked meals and while most would think a little strange, a packet of pads. It was that packet that made me realise, that even in our darkest days some thing shines out to let us know that things will be ok. Because only the very best of a friend, could give you a 'gift' such as a packet of pads and warm your heart. It broke it a little that I needed them, but it was like a little band-aid at the same time, you still have that hurt underneath but a temporary little cover to hide it away and protect it.

At 10 weeks pregnant, when you miscarry it's not just like having a period. You cramp, like mini labour pains, you bleed, you pass clots and 'matter'. Each and every time you visit the toilet, your brain tries to switch off but your heart cries at the thought of what you are flushing each and every time.

This first week of my new battle has seen a few trips to hospital. Needles because of my blood type, follow up Ultrasound and specialist appointment. Even though I'd been bleeding, that second ultrasound was as much of a crush as the first, maybe they got it wrong. Maybe everything is ok. People without thinking can be so cruel, even medical personnel. '10 weeks?? Gee, that's late to miscarry' (quote, second Ultrasound technician) 

I have one word of advice for people when someone you know or love is suffering. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid if you really don't know what to say. Sometimes your presence or just knowing you are there is enough.

I've been 'lucky' enough, if I can call it that to have a wonderful gynecologist who is willing to let me try not to have a surgery. I am retaining left over 'matter' but am so sick of feeling violated that I don't want the trauma of going under for surgery, to wake up the same empty, sad and not pregnant.

Through all of this, I've had the wonderful support of my friends and family, I might not of replied to messages. But they were read and appreciated. I don't feel like talking about it most of the time, heck I don't feel like talking about anything most of the time at the moment. Some days I just feel like sleeping and being sad. My body is having a 'crash' of hormones. I'm tired, I'm cranky. I'm in physical pain and I'm hurting emotionally. Thank-you to my friends that have been sad with me, thank-you for showing me your tears. It makes it feel like it meant something to someone other than just me, like it mattered. It makes it feel like it really was there and even though I never really got to be congratulated, it makes me feel that people cared about it, not just me.

And what comes next? I don't even know. I still have little parts of what was going to be, left inside me so my healing both physical and emotionally can't even begin properly yet. I can't imagine where I will be in a year, maybe holding on the what if's, maybe not. All I do know, is if I ever get the chance to see those two lines again, that it will be possibly the best and worst time of my life. Instead of the stereotype of waiting till that 'safe' 12 week mark enjoying a little secret and planning for an exciting future, I'll be reliving this trauma again even if everything turns out OK. If I don't get to see those two lines again, then what happens to those what ifs. Does it last forever??? I can't tell you that. I can't even tell you that I'm OK at the minute.

All I know is that life can be so dreadfully cruel. Yet at the same time, there are always little hints that even in the darkness there are little rays of happiness. Like a packet of pads, or a message of prayer from a friend. Please don’t ask me if I am ‘still’ feeling crappy, or sick. If you need to ask me anything, just ask if I’m ok. I’ll either say yes, or feel like sharing with you. I don’t have a time frame on my physical or emotional healing. I don’t know how long the craziness of emotions will go on for.

The only thing that I do know is that at the end of the day, sometimes the only thing you can do is just keep on, keeping on.

K xx

Saturday, 25 April 2015

An introduction to my day job: Belly Painting/Casting

Something that I haven't shared on the blog before is that in my spare time, I am a face painter. I recently started getting into belly art and thought that I would share my first bellies that I have done, so that I can start sharing more as they come along. It is such an enjoyable experience painting a nice big round belly with a baby moving around inside. It feels amazing to have the privilege to be up close and personal with these gorgeous bumps, usually just a few weeks or even days before the babes make their way into the world!

I hope you enjoy these :)

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

This eating well, is well, hard work!!

So it's been about a week of eating a changed diet. And let me tell you, I'm not going to be posting today huge amounts of awesome photos of resturant looking food, well because we have had some huge fails on the taste front and even bigger on the 'looks' front haha!

We have also had the reluctant to eat to down right refusal from the little poppet...

All in all it has been a stressful and difficult adjustment. But it's getting better. Just slowly, very slowly!

The one thing that is making me keep it up at the minute is that I am noticing a distinct change of behavior already. Don't get me wrong, the little poppet is still naughty from time to time (what kid isn't) but the unmanageable screaming and whinging is slowly becoming a thing of the past (fingers crossed. Even discipline is working better, reasoning with her, talking through little spouts of naughtiness is actually working.

Eating 'raw' is hard work, for a busy family that is used to easy and quick 'fast foods', foods that we never really deemed unhealthy until the behaviour spiked and I started looking into it.

At present, I am using a few different bits of literature, I Quit Sugar (Sarah Wilson) and any Pete Evans books. 'Family Food' being a favourite at the moment. We aren't going completely Paleo at the moment. I considered it, but was finding it to difficult considering how we have been feeding the kids, but we are certainly limiting grains (no bread) and dairy (limited cows milk, no 'normal yoghurt' etc) We will see how this plays out over the coming months.

I am also finding it difficult living remotely and having access to the foods/ingredients that I need.

I'll be sharing some recipes that I make up myself that you could possibly try if you are feeling game enough ;) haha. But for now, I'll leave you with a few images of our actual food wins in this house. My instagram account contains a few more if you wanted to check it out. (Link to the Right)

A Lunch Time offering for my hungry Tribe

Easy, Quick Brekkie. These Smoothies were a miss. Way to bitter!

Snack of Ham and Cucumber.

Sweet Potato Chips

A little treat, sugar free Nutella ;)

Friday, 17 April 2015

Times are a changing!!

Ever had those days with your children, when their behaviour hits the roof and you can't decided on running for the hills, hiding in your bed to cry it out or turn into a screaming mess that you later regret?? I know we all get there every now and again. Unfortunately for me we have been having these days everyday, ok well not all day, but certainly at least one episode a day with my lively daughter, the Little Poppet.

For me I have lost my patience, and regretfully on so many many occasions turned into a banshee parent.

It's made me really assess what is going on in our lives to create such a change in behaviour. I no longer work so have an abundance of creative, loving and playing time with the kids. It took a little deeper looking and perhaps more so admitting that maybe our family diet isn't creating the best kind of environment. Let's be honest, we eat like crap. We might have a plate full of veg and meat for tea, but what about brekkie, lunch, in-between. I admit fully that I have become lazy in the household eating and have now acknowledge that it needs a change, a whole upheaval.

But what to do?? There's so much advice out there on what we should put into our mouths, what we should feed our kids. They all seem to have some good points, they all seem to have some negative reviews as well.

But one thing is clear, non-packaged, fresh produce is the go. If it comes raw without a wrapper then its much better than the packaged frozen pizza we scoffed down for tea the other night, and for lunch the next day.

I'm going to be journalling our families journey into a new way of living with food, the behaviour differences that I notice in my daughter. The first thing to go is sugar.... Because I think thats a no brainer. I am excited and nervous all in the one go. I know its going to be hard work, she is fussy, and thats my fault, but I know that it is going to benefit us all greatly in the long term. Better health, happier family.

I'll be posting a lot of our food to my Instagram account, _littleindietribe_, as well as a few posts on the blog. I hope you all enjoy the ride with us. I have a feeling school lunches are going to be my headache!!

Monday, 23 March 2015

It's been awhile.... Again...

Ah, it's been a while again. What can I say? Life is busy, very busy.

It's time to wind down a little though, it is so very easy to take on to much all at once and think that you are coping but in the end your only kidding yourself if you are struggling. That's where I was at, thinking that I was coping but wearing myself down to the bone.

I've taken a break from the day job, a permanent one for a little while so I can get back to the roots of being a mumma and a partner. I look forward to making my blog a frequent stopping point once more.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Living a Simple & Creative Life Project: Handmade Christmas

So as a carry on from my last few posts about living a more simple and creative life, this year our family has decided to do a fully handmade Christmas. All the children's gifts are going to be either handmade by us, and a select few that we are unable to make are going to bought just as long as they are handmade.

It is taking a little planning, and while this year it will probably be a lot more effort than how our Christmases usually were but I am extremely excited at the prospect of it all. I think it makes it easier that it is an idea that the other half fully supports, which when undertaking activities that you hope will help shape your family, is extremely important.

I love Christmas, I am a all out bells and whistles kinda girl when it comes to festive season. The decorating, the food and the gift giving. It's going to be a learning and growing experience for us all, I'm sure of it.

I've started with a few ideas for all the children, the Boy being the hardest at 8 years old. I want it to be exciting opening his presents, not a 'what were they thinking' moment for him. It's a hard chop for kids to go from and over commercialized life style (us as parents in the making of that) to a simple one, but I know that he will enjoy the gifts I am thinking up for him. I have one 'wow' factor one that I know he will get years of use out of.

I'm even going to go as far as sorting through to Christmas deco's and tossing because it's not just the kids that have to many things that I have held on to of theirs, it's my own collection of useless stuff that needs to go as well. I have ordered a simple, small white wooden Christmas tree that I will decorate with handmade decorations of the kids. I'm excited to get it, and excited to finally be able to set it up although that time can go by as slowly as possible, as I now have a lot of things to get making ;)

I'm going to post tutorials of some of the gifts that I am making, hopefully they will be of help to someone out there!

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Living a Simple & Creative Life Project: The Little Poppets Bedroom

 **This Post is Picture Heavy**

I've been reading the wonderful book 'The Creative Family' by Amanda Soule and in the introduction, a few short sentences really radiated with me:

"In our modern lives, it's all to easy to get swept up in the busyness of the day-to-day - meals, cleaning, school, work, and other life details often stand in the way if the time we need to pursue our creative endeavors. As parents, it is both our responsibility and our privilege to be sure that our family's creative spirits have all the room and tools they need to soar freely"

So, you know what I did then??

I packed away all of My Little Poppet's toys and belongings.  All the glitter, all the 'plastic fantastic' array of bright pink character toys, her rug, her wardrobe. It was all emptied out to give me a blank canvas to start again. It was set off by a tornado sleep over with her cousin, and whilst they enjoyed themselves they managed to pull out almost every single item she owns and played with none of it. It was like the enjoyment was just in creating the actual mess.

The following pictures, if you can even believe are from after I had started tidying up. What a sensory overload.


 There was no method in my sorting to start with, I just boxed and bagged everything, all it went out into our hallway, I wanted her room to be liveable in a very short amount of time, so that she could enjoy it and feel the benefits of having a clutter free space of her own. I rearranged her furniture, took some furniture out and selectively choose some 'intentional toys' to be replaced in her 'new bedroom'. I was honest with her about it during the whole process, I explain that I am packing up her belongings for us to sort out to keep, to give away, to toss and to sell. She seemed unfazed by the whole ordeal and went about her merry way.

Her room now, makes me giddy when I walk past the door, it feels inviting like I could go and lay on her bed to read a book, or sit on her soft floor to enjoy some quiet time with her.

Gone for good is her bright pink floor rug (she is happy about that), her chest of drawers and cube storage unit. The teddy hanging storage nets have also gone for good. Her quilt is one I have been making for her, it's not finished yet but she asked if I could place it on top of her bed, must aim to get it backed in the next few weeks.

This large cane basket which was over-flowing with dress ups and dolls (and a magnet for lots of other wandering toys) now houses a few select toys. Her lego, a baby bath, her Anna & Elsa barbies (a new gift for her birthday just gone, the other barbies are packed away), some gardening gloves and after packing away all of her toys the only one that she wondering where it had gone was her spiderman which is now in this box.


A new addition to her room is this small cube unit, to serve as a bedside table. All of her books have been added to the family bookshelf and I placed a cane basket here to house her books of the moment for bed time and easy access. The unit houses a few small supplies, her sewing basket, a basket full of her shells and rocks. A teddy that reads stories (was a gift from her nanny and she wanted to keep it in her room) and a cd player (unfortunately is a 'Dora' one, but it does the trick.

I left her tree coat rack with the items she uses almost daily, I left her wooden doll house which is very much loved and has a few additions of a three year old's art work. Her bookcase remained as well, but instead of being another magnet for junk and tossed in books, I replaced the layout with the two top shelves for a selection of her 'speacil trinkets, the middle shelf her handmade dolls, second bottom shelf a cane basket with handmade dolls clothes (this shelf also houses her beloved 'Lucy', and Baby Born Doll but she was in 'bed' when I was taking pictures) and the bottom shelf a puzzle and music box.

Her kitchen unit is still in her bedroom but all of it's paraphernalia has been dispelled. I left a handful of felt food, a set of metal pots & utensils, two plates and two cups. I am hoping once we have a cubby house set up outside that this item will be placed in the 'children's house'. I also left her doll pram and cot set up in her room. She really enjoys playing mum, and although she has questioned a few times where all her 'plastic fantastic' doll equipment and numerous dolls have gone, a quick reassurance that her much loved Lucy and handmade dolls are still here and she quickly forgets that they are not there.

I also made a few changes to a item of furniture that she received for her birthday last year, a 'vanity table'. I don't even know why I bought it as I am not one to let her wear make up or even play with it, and it to became a magnet for bedroom junk. So I removed the mirror and turned it into a plain old table, a creative space for her sewing and art in her bedroom should she ever feel she needed a quiet place to do so. I grabbed a piece of lace ribbon from my craft supplies and hung from the wall above her 'desk' to hang her wonderful artwork from, when she first seen her new room this was the feature that she was most excited about. She loves having her work displayed.

You can notice in this picture two other toys that I have not mentioned yet, on the left hand side near the cane basket is a pony called 'Butterscotch', this was a request to have in her room for the Poppet. She is new, and played with a lot so I felt comfortable putting her in here as she is used in imaginative play and on the right is a rocking horse, who has become a very much loved part of our family, he is not staying in here and will be moved to a more common area but for now, this is his special spot until our common places are ready for him.

We have started on the task of sorting through all the things that have been removed from her bedroom, we have gone through her toys together as I feel it is important for her to have a say in what she keeps. I have been astounded by her willingless to let go, we already have a humongous box full of items to sell, two full bin bags of items to give and half a bag of items to throw. We also have a box of 'maybe keep' these toys will be sorted and placed in boxes put away for special play days, and then to be packed away again.

It is so refreshing, like a weight lifted off to walk past her room. The children have been getting introduced to a few chores each day to do and one is to tidy their bedrooms. I feel now that this is a task that she will be able to complete on her own, everything in this space has a spot and even if she did pull everything out it still would only equate to a small pile of stuff.

I am planning a handmade Christmas this year, a few thoughtful handmade gifts but mostly time to spend with loved ones. I have a feeling that this simplifying of our living space will help the children to adjust to a new way of celebrating events like Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc.

This is going to be an on going project of mine from here on in, The Simple & Creative Life Project which I hope to post my progress on through here. I hoping to make it life long in the hope that I will feel more fulfilled and happy, not that I am not happy now but you can never be too happy, right?